Immediately upon exiting the relative safety behind the boulder, my opponent made himself known. He smashed down into the dirt, his great maw agape as he shrieked his terrible battle cry. I shouted back, a gout of fire erupting from my mouth and engulfing the beast in flames. This didn't phase him; indeed, it only seemed to piss him off. The beast spread his wings, puffed out his chest in a show of intimidation, then proceeded to charbroil me with his fire breath. Blinded by flames, I flailed my sword and shot fireballs in every direction. I screamed incoherent obscenities, and when the fire finally subsided, I sheathed my sword and ran.
WTF I THOUGHT I WAS FIGHTING A DRAGON. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE TERRIFYING.
I sprinted for dear life, my breath labored as the biting cold wind chilled my exposed skin. I was woefully under-equipped for this dragon, and figured my best strategy would be to mount my horse and ride for the nearest town, where the guards who were stationed there could help me defeat this flying menace. Unfortunately, my horse was nowhere to be found. My heart dropped into my stomach as I looked about in a panicked frenzy. Looking back to where I last saw the dragon, my worst fears were confirmed. There, through the trees, was my trusted horse...kicking the shit out of the dragon.
"Yes horsie, yes!" I cheered and hollered as my mighty steed neighed and launched a series of ferocious kicks at the dragon. My horse seemed to be winning the fight...until the dragon set my horse on fire.
"No horsie, no! GOD DAMNIT!" Anger overcame all rational thought. With weapon and spell in hand, I charged forward to attack the dragon. Once I closed the distance between us, I began striking at his muscle-bound haunches, hoping to perhaps cripple the beast, or at the very least, break through his scales. The dragon, noticing my futile efforts, looked back at me and seemed to smile.
Then he slapped me with his tail, off the 1000 ft mountain upon which we were situated, and into a field. I didn't survive.
Lol n00b.
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed and dropped my controller in frustration. My dogs gave me a quizzical look.
"Shut up!" I yelled, at which point the dog resumed her peaceful slumber. I muttered to myself in barely-contained homicidal rage.
"Stupid piece of garbage sonofabitch Goddamn Skyrim dragons always showing up at the worst times."
After a bit of ranting, I heaved a sigh and slowly ran my fingers through my hair. Then I paused did it again. My hair, which is normally rather hair-like in its texture, was slick with oils and grease. I looked down at my clothes, trying to remember how many days it had been since I last changed. Hell, I couldn't even remember the last time I showered. I checked my breath and discovered that I smelled about as good as my dog, which is a bad thing.
"Good God," I muttered. "What happened to me?"
I was revolted. Since when was my personal hygiene so atrocious? I cast my gaze about, wondering what could have gone wrong...until my eyes alighted on the TV.
My character, alone, sitting upon his horse and staring stoically into the distance. A Dark Elf with an inclination towards magic and archery. The same character that I had been staring at for the past week.
I was horrified. "You son of a bitch, you stole my life!" I turned off the xbox, looked at a calendar and realized that about half my winter break had passed by me in a Skyrim-filled haze. I mourned the passage of time, showered, brushed my teeth, then tried to find something to do. After realizing that all of my friends were too busy to hang out with me, I resigned myself to another night of Skyrim. A night that slowly extended into another 3 days of dragon slaying and magical Shouting.
And that's why I haven't posted on my blog in a while.
Lol n00b :)
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