I Hate Swimming Goggles

So I have a debilitating fear of being underwater for extended periods of time. I do have a pretty decent lung capacity, if only because I do a lot of singing and they've adapted for that. However, that all goes out the window the moment I'm submerged. My lungs instantly expel whatever air they were holding and I'm left floundering at the bottom of the pool like a guppy with Down Syndrome. This trait would become rather problematic if I were to apply for a job in, say, life guarding, because I can't exactly save a person if I'm too afraid to jump in the water where all the saving is. So obviously I enrolled in a life guarding class at my school. Because I think things through.

Wait! Shit, don't start drowning! I'M NOT QUALIFIED QUIT DOING THAT.

On this particular day, we did a sort of simulation in the pool. The teacher started by taking two large rubber brick-things and tossing them into the water, where they quickly sank to the bottom. Two students would then begin at the opposite side of the pool and swim until they reached their respective brick, where they would dive down and retrieve it. Once in possession of the brick, they would resurface and take it back to their starting point. 

When it came time for me to fetch the brick, I was feeling rather confident. This confidence quickly died, however, when I realized that I was the only person in the 24-student class who wasn't wearing goggles, which is problematic if you're looking for a black brick at the bottom of a dark pool. The teacher yelled for us to start and I began swimming. After making a couple of fruitless efforts to grab the brick, I gave up and exited the pool. 

"Why didn't you grab the brick?" My teacher inquired.

It's dark and underwater and I can't breathe and it's really Goddamn scary down there. "I couldn't see the brick, I don't have goggles." At this point, my friend Charlie piped up and offered to lend me his goggles. The teacher decided that I would simply wait until the rest of the class had finished, then retry along with another girl who had screwed up in some way or another.

I would like to pause for a second and make a request of you, my dear reader. For the sake of a strenuously extended metaphor that I'm going to introduce in the next paragraph, I'd like you to think of these goggles as a person. We'll name him Paul.

Paul is terrible. 

This is Paul if he were a person. I want you to hate him.

It took me a while to figure out Paul because I haven't worn goggles in years. As I fiddled around with his various straps, the teacher surprised me by yelling "GO!" which signified that we were supposed to start swimming for the brick. "Wait, shit, no I'm not ready!" I yelled to nobody in particular. Feeling panicked, I hastily threw the goggles on and began swimming. 

Unfortunately for me, Paul was retarded. Rather than suctioning to my face and keeping my eyes free of water, like he was supposed to, Paul apparently developed a deep-seated fascination with water and began scooping as much of it into my eyes as possible. I was taken aback and promptly resurfaced in an attempt to readjust the goggles. Feeling strapped for time, I hurriedly began swimming towards where I thought the brick would be. When I got in the general vicinity, I aimed myself downward and began searching. 

At this point, Paul had gone a whole 9 seconds without being full of water, and he was none too happy about it. The moment I spotted my brick, Paul promptly detached from my face and began prodding me in the eye. My vision blurred instantly, and where there was once the dark outline of my brick, there was now nothing but opaque fuzziness. I was determined to keep swimming until I grabbed the brick, and my mental voice picked up an authoritative tone as it tried to keep me motivated. Come on Johann, conquer your fears! My fingers finally found purchase on the slick exterior of the brick. Victory!, my mental voice yelled...which was quickly followed by oh, shit you're out of air get up now GET UP NOW. 

I resurfaced with my brick in hand and Paul hanging about uselessly on my forehead. I muttered "Jesus Christ," and quickly tore Paul off my face. After finally completing the exercise, I exited the pool. At this point, something odd happened. I wouldn't consider myself popular by any means, and I certainly don't know many people in my life guarding class. But when everybody began regrouping for the next part of the class, random students started interacting with me. One guy slapped me on the back, a particularly attractive girl gave me a high five and yelled "good job!" before giggling with one of her friends. I was confused. Did I do something wrong? Are they making fun of me? WTF. 

While holding this brief mental exchange with myself, Charlie rejoined me and enlightened me as to why random people had suddenly started acknowledging me. "Yeah dude, when you tore the goggles off and yelled 'Jesus Christ,' everybody just started laughing their asses off. It was hilarious." I had no idea how to respond to this, so I simply handed Paul back to Charlie and didn't respond at all. As I walked a few paces behind him, I noticed Paul was dangling nonchalantly from Charlie's fingers, almost as if he was mocking me. I returned with a menacing gaze. 

Fuck you, Paul.