Monday, July 8, 2013

Something I'm Never Going To Follow Up On: A Follow Up

Clever title, isn't it?

Right, so this post might come off as a bit preachy, and I apologize in advance. No product placement is intended; in fact, Mr. Steve Kamb has absolutely no idea I'm doing this.

Like most other people, I've made various half-hearted attempts to be fit in the past.


Hmmm. Better go with half a cake - wouldn't want to seem too greedy or anything.

And, like most people, those half-hearted attempts withered away and died like a starving orphan the moment I drove past a Mcdonald's/Chik-fil-a/Wendy's/another Mcdonald's/Taco Bell/Quizno's/fucking anything. 


Pictured: My weaknesses.

A couple weeks ago, just for the heck of it, I stepped on a weight scale. I expected to see something around 200 lbs, as I've maintained that weight with no effort at all over the last 3 years. Instead the number I got was 220. 

At first I wasn't alarmed, as I use an electronic scale, and in consecutive weigh-ins it's varied within a window of 20-30 lbs and it's not to be trusted. Shrugging it off, I sauntered out of the room. 

10 seconds later, I ran back and jumped on the scale again.

This scale is an asshole anyway, I thought to myself. I'll weigh myself again and it'll probably say 180 or something and I'll be good. 

220 lbs. 

It's a fluke. Remember, this thing's an asshole. Try it again. 

220 lbs. 

Scale. Asshole. Try it one more time. 

223 lbs. 

Oh, you fucking dick. 

In hindsight, it wasn't difficult to divine how I had gained 20 lbs in a manner of months. I recently got a job working in the dining room of an upscale retirement home. This job has given me near-limitless access to delicious cookies, ice cream, cake, chocolate milk, and pretty much everything else in the world. 

However, as I've established multiple times before, I am nothing if not dreadfully stupid, so at the time I was completely dumbstruck. "The hell did all this weight come from?!" I asked myself.

After a bit of contemplation, I came to a rather sobering conclusion: I was eating, sleeping, and living like a fatass.


How could you betray me like this, quadruple decker chocolate-covered bacon artery murder burger?

Several days later, I was roaming the internet, lazily perusing various fitness websites while inhaling those little chocolate mini donuts that you can get at the grocery store.


Like this, except smaller and with 40 of them.

It was during this hypocritical bout of web surfing that I stumbled upon Nerd Fitness.

For those of you who aren't in the know, Nerd Fitness is a nifty website created by stud muffin and deadlifting enthusiast Steve Kamb. Steve not only advocates sensible health advice (small sustainable changes as opposed to a crash diet comparable to that of Christian Bale's during The Machinist), but he also presents his information in a way that socially incompetent internet dwellers such as myself can understand (awww, look at the little Lego guy doing push ups! This website is bitchin').

I spent several days on his website, working my way through his articles like a fat kid goes through chocolate mini donuts from the grocery store. After a while, it began to dawn on me.

You see, my fitness goals have always been incredibly vague and nebulous.


I mean, I guess not being a fat lard would be a nice change of pace. 

Eventually, it occurred to me that I didn't just want to be fit, I wanted to overhaul my entire life. Eating habits (cake, chocolate milk, maybe more cake), Sleeping habits (stay up until 7:00 AM, wake up whenever I have to pee), exercise habits (maybe I'll actually walk into the bathroom instead of rolling to it like usual); it all had to go. 

To that end, I've made some changes that would be considered small if I wasn't such a lazy dick. For example today I woke up at 6:00 AM, had a decent breakfast, went to the gym for an hour, showered and shaved, all before 9:30. I've also invested some money into the Nerd Fitness Guide, because if I like anything, it's not having to think about things when I do them. 

My commitment at the moment is to wake up at 6:00 AM every day for the next month, until it becomes habitual. As time goes on, I'm sure I'll tack on more goals and challenges for myself, but for now the concept of seeing the sun for more than 3 hours at a time is so mind-blowing that I really need some time to wrap my head around it. 

If you're interested, be sure to check out Steve's work on his website, or buy one of his many guidebooks if you have some cash laying around from your busy career as a combination super model/orphanage builder. I can't speak for Steve's other books, but I know that the Nerd Fitness Guide comes with well over 100 pages of material, as well as workouts that make you sweat so much that a 79 year old man feels compelled to point it out while you're in the corner of the weight room trying to avoid attention (oh my Lord that was such an awkward encounter). 

Again, this isn't intended as product endorsement of any kind, I just think that the little Lego people on Steve's website are adorable and I believe everybody could benefit from more Lego. 

Boring picture copyright stuff that no one cares about:

(C) SuperStock/SuperStock/Corbis, (C) NASA/Corbis, (C) Image Source/Corbis, (C) Pulse/Corbis, (C) Oliver Rossi/Corbis.