Johann: Vending Machine Master

Recently, I've become something of a theater kid. I'm not as eerily flamboyant as a conventional theater kid, but since my casting in the last play I've been much more involved with the Theater department. On this particular day, I was slumming around the theater after school, when I overheard a conversation. Some girl was really hungry, but couldn't really leave rehearsal lest she risk the wrath of the Theater director. Now, it's a common practice for theater kids to take someone's money and buy their food for them, because students are frequently unable to leave the theater and rehearsals can drag on for hours. I offered to get her food and she handed me a dollar. When I asked her what she wanted, she vaguely replied "I dunno, something that will keep me awake. Skittles or chocolate or something."

Upon arriving at the vending machine, I inserted the girl's dollar and typed in the button code for a package of Skittles. The machine started to dispense the Skittles...then it gave up. The candy just sat there, staring me down and saying "Hahahahaha fuck you."

Oh, you paid for me? That's cute.

I stared at the machine in disbelief. I couldn't exactly return empty-handed; the girl expected her candy, and I was determined to see it through. I left my bounty, silently muttering "This isn't over...candy." I tracked down a janitor and asked if he was capable of opening the vending machines. In a voice slightly tinged with a Mexican accent, he replied "No, but you could probably try the front office." When I went to the front office, a woman with an absurd hairdo sat at the front desk. With a shrieking shout-like noise where her voice used to be, she yelped "Hi! How can I help you?" She drew out her 'hi' for a good 3 seconds. Wincing from the pain of hearing her talk, I said "Yeah, I paid for something from the vending machine, but it's not working. Is there any way to get it open?"

"Well, what you have to do is go to the Guidance center, talk to Ms. Lou, reserve an appointment with Mr. Brass and wait until he gets back from coaching soccer practice. He should be done sometime within the hour."

"...It's a bag of Skittles."

She heaved an exasperated sigh and said "Well, I actually do have some money here. How much do you need?"

"Eighty-five cents."

She opened a drawer and pulled out a roll of quarters. I watched uncomfortably as she struggled to open the roll. Finally, she got pissed and smashed the whole thing on the desk. Quarters flew everywhere, much to the surprise of her and absolutely nobody else. After retrieving my money, I left her to her quarter-grabbing and returned to the vending machine. I figured that, if I re-bought the bag of Skittles, then I could probably get another bag for free. I inserted the coins, entered the code...and watched one lonely bag of Skittles drop from its shelf.

"No!" I thought to myself. "I want those Skittles, damnit!"

After casting a furtive glance to make sure nobody important was watching, I chose what I believed to be the best course of action and tackled the vending machine (side note: apparently a lot of people are crushed to death by vending machines. Who knew?). Much to my dismay, the Skittles stayed firmly in place. However, a completely different bag of Mini Ritz crackers was dislodged and fell down instead.

Whaddup.

Satisfied with my display of dominance, I retrieved the spoils of my brief war with the now-defeated vending machine and walked away. I spent the rest of the day basking in the kind of glory that one can only get from tackling an inanimate object that is fully capable of crushing the life out of you at a moment's notice.