My Latest Excuse For Not Posting in Ages

Right, so here's the deal. I haven't posted anything here in God knows how long, as you may have noticed. Life has been a maelstrom recently and I've been terrifically busy trying to keep my head above the water. I've neglected my blog like an abandoned little orphan, and the only excuse I can give is...

Skyrim.

Rest assured, my dear and devoted readers (all 3 of you), I will catch you all up on my incredibly interesting life and fill you in as to why I've been such a fat lard when it comes to posting. The short answer is Skyrim, but the long answer is...not much better than that, actually, but I'm going to take several posts to explain it all. Know that I am bursting with stories, and since my fanbase is undoubtedly full of impossibly sexy and sophisticated individuals who truly deserve to hear of my miraculous tales, the next few weeks will bear witness to a veritable tsunami of blog posts, the likes of which have probably been seen by people who are much more consistent with posting than I am.

Suit Buttons

One day, I was frollicking through a fanciful meadow. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and a variety of other tropes helped to really set the scene. As I bounded with glee and made merry with the creatures of the forest, a mysterious being came to visit.

"Wait, weren't you just in a meadow?" The thing inquired.

"What?"

"You were just in a meadow, now you're in a forest."

...

The thing paused awkwardly at my inability to stay consistent. "Right...well. Anyway. Johann! Behold, I am a creature sent from the Netherworld! I have come to you with a mighty quest that you must undertake!"

I shuddered in terror and awe. The creature continued. "Heed my words! A social situation has arisen that shall require you to wear this suit!" With that, the creature produced a suit and threw it at me.

The strange thing watched passively as I donned my new-found suit. It shook its head in shame as I awkwardly struggled to tie a tie, a process which was completely unfamiliar to me and left me feeling like a failure. When I was finally done, an award-winning grin adorned my face. My excitement was palpable.

Excitement: Palpable.

The thing looked me over with a critical eye, slowly evaluating my appearance. When it saw my suit jacket buttons, it shrieked an unholy demon cry. "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!"

"...what?"

"You're buttons! YOU BUTTONED BOTH YOUR BUTTONS."

"I...was I not supposed to?"

"Oh for God's sake, are you serious? NO."

"But why not?"

"Your suit looks weird with both its buttons done!"

I was starting to get upset. "Well why would they put 2 buttons on the front and then design the whole thing to look weird if you do both buttons?!"

"DAMNIT, DON'T QUESTION MY ARBITRARY FASHION RULES."

"But then your tie pokes out from under your jacket and it just looks weird!"

Our dialogue continued along this path for quite a while. Eventually, the being began to scream at my unforgivable fashion gaffe, its keening voice rising in volume until reality shuddered and it warped out of existence. I was dazed and confused, but I never undid that second button. Instead, I decided to keep it buttoned every time I wear a suit, turning my lack of understanding into an act of defiance.

I want a suit with this many buttons.

Wisdom Through Movement

Here's a video of my philosophy final. The project was as follows: Pick a philosophy/philosopher, become familiar with their teachings and present it to the rest of the class. I chose Parkour because that was one of the few topics that I didn't actually need to research as I already knew most of the pertinent information.