Showering is Hard

So a while back, I went on a road trip to Utah with my mom and a french exchange student that my family was hosting over the summer. We arranged it so that we would stay at my great-aunt's house, where we would be provided with some of the best home-cooked food in the world and a free place to sleep in for a few days.

This is Utah. Everyone here is a terrible driver.

One night (I believe it was our second day there), I ventured into the bathroom with the ambitious goal of taking a shower. What ensued was a 15 minute ordeal of failure as my brain struggled to remember how to shower without destroying everything.

I walked into the bathroom, which was a small and cramped little room with the sink and counter positioned right next to the shower. I peeled off my clothing and set my new clothes on the counter so I could dress once I was done. As I stepped into the shower, I experienced that brief panic that everyone encounters when they realize they have no idea how to work another person's shower. Not only were the knobs controlling the water flow completely alien to me, but the shower head was covered in strange revolving bits and pieces whose functions were unknown to me. After fiddling with the knobs for a bit, I finally got the water going, and was about to celebrate when I got punched in the chest.

Apparently, the showerhead had multiple ways of spitting water at me, and the current setting was "small boulders." Every drop of water felt like a little cannon impact on my chest, and I quickly backed away. I succeeded in removing my chest from danger, but by taking a step back I put my groin within water-boulder-range instead. My testicles were instantly pelted with hardened water BB's and I promptly dropped to my knees in agony.

Hahaha! Shower? More like I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS, MOTHERFUCKER.



After a bit, I finally recovered and managed to change the showerhead to a more tolerable water output method. I then began the process of washing my hair. After a few minutes, I realized that I had inadvertently washed my hair with body soap and was currently washing my body with shampoo. I switched the bottles and was about to start again when I accidentally ripped off the shower curtain.

While I struggled with the shower curtain, the showerhead rebelled and sprayed water all over the floor and my clothes. I replaced the shower curtain, turned off the water and lamented the thorough ass-beating I had just received at the hands of a surly bathroom. Defeated, I dressed myself in my now-soaked attire and left the bathroom, reeking of shame and fruity shampoo.