"Are you entirely sure that I'm supposed to be taking these?" I inquired.
"Of course, I'm your mother. Now go to bed."
Figuring that any possibilities of hospitalization as a result of these mystery pills were totally her fault, I happily tossed them down my throat and prepared myself for a night of good sleep. Assuming you read the title of this post, you've probably already deduced that my night wasn't exactly peaceful. To put it gently, it was absolutely batshit.
Stupid batshit.
After 20 minutes, nothing happened. A little while later, nothing continued to happen. Frustrated by this lack of eventfulness, I began to toss and turn in a vain attempt to get myself comfortable. While casually adjusting my blanket, I saw something peculiar within one of the folds of my sheets. Curious, I peered in for a closer look, until suddenly I spazzed and became trapped within the confines of my blanket. I thrashed about in a blind panic, dimly wondering why it was becoming so hard to free myself from this simple entanglement.
I soon resigned myself to trying to get comfortable in the blanket rather than try to break free from it's wily grasp. As I lay under the covers in darkness, I quickly became amazed as my blanket appeared to transform, right before my eyes, into a cave! Fascinated, I glanced down to my torso, and discovered that a group of strangely-proportioned garden gnomes had gained a foothold on my chest. I began to engage them in conversation, where I learned terrible secrets. This strange race of miniscule beings (less than 3 apples tall, if I were to make a proper guess) were apparently being hunted by an abominable race of giant flying worms that had an odd habit of wearing dashing sunglasses while feasting on their victims. As the walls of my blanket-cave slowly changed their colors, I was warned by my small garden gnome companion.
"beware leaving the confines of this shelter, lest thine flesh be rendered to shreds by the evil worm demons."
Tempted, I peeked out of blanket, and no shit there was a worm at the foot of my bed. As soon as it saw me it darted for safety behind my bed, but I'll be damned if I let that little bastard run away. Stumbling out of bed, I was taken aback by how heavy my legs had suddenly become. It felt as if lead had been poured into every blood vessel in my thigh, and I could feel it streaming through my body with every step. Losing my balance, I stumbled into the wall face-first and slowly slid my way down to the floor, where I proceeded to crawl into the adjacent room and stare at the ceiling for half an hour. Later, I slowly maneuvered my way back into bed and finally passed out. by this point, it was 3 in the morning.
In the morning, my cousin came to wake me up for school. But instead of his typical "Hey buddy, you needa get outta bed," he was adorned with a fur-trimmed cape and crown, and began regaling me with tales of a journey that I had to undertake in order to complete my journey to Oh my God I was a God damn knight in shining armor. I sprinted out of my bed and jumped into my couch, where my dog proceeded to talk to me and inform me that the portal was in my shower. I bounded for the shower as quickly as I could, turned the water on and waited to be transported.
As soon as the water hit me, I was immediately shaken out of my trance and realized that I had just creeped the ever-loving fuck out of my cousin. Defeated, I quietly got my things together and went to school.
My mom has some potent shit.
Don't take pills from your mother! Matter of fact, just don't take pills that aren't prescribed to you... lol
ReplyDeleteNice living nightmare tho :)