That's a relevant introduction, I promise. This picture, however, is not.
Awhile back, maybe a couple years ago, I was at my local library. This library has a lot of Mac computers in it, and while nearly all of them require a library membership in order to access them, there's always been one lonely little computer in the corner that, for whatever reason, has never required any sort of login or membership. This computer has always been the favorite of people who just can't be bothered to join the library or (in my case) can't figure out where the hell their library card went.
So I was at the computer, probably checking my Facebook or something, when all of a suddenly, a little email notification popped up in the corner. Oh dear, my inner good Samaritan said. Someone must have accidentally left their email open. I'll just mosey on in and log them out. I clicked on it, feeling a modicum of satisfaction in the fact that, in this tiny little way, I was benefiting someone somewhere in the world.
Imagine my surprise when, after I clicked it, a giant pair of boobs appeared and dominated the whole screen.
Is it dinnertime already?
I mean, don't get me wrong, surprise boobs are cool and all. Should any female types decide that I'm lacking in my annual mammary exposure, then far be it from me to stop them from rectifying that. However, these boobs were a little unwanted in this particular scenario for two reasons.
1: I was right in the middle of a public library, seated at a computer whose screen was visible to any and all casual passersby.
2: The unfortunate-looking woman attached to said breasts was...well, kind of...bigger? In the stomach/everywhere area? I wish I could put it nicely, but...good lord you guys, this chick was chunky. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with hefty women, but geezus nobody wants to see you naked like that. Ugh.
As is usually the case in my life, my sense of decency was quickly overridden by my morbid curiosity, and I began creeping through this mysterious email account. I was absolutely astonished at the sheer number of emails from this mysterious woman (we'll call her Chunky, because I'm a judgmental prick), virtually all of which contained either a picture or a brief attempt at erotic literature. While these hot and heavy little excerpts were apparently intended to excite and arouse whoever owned this account, they all fell a little short, mostly due to the fact that Chunky's level of literacy was only slightly higher than that of a giraffe and reading her work was comparable to ripping out my own teeth.
WHY DOES TV SCREEN TASTE LIKE TINGLES??
When I tired of Chunky's failed literary endeavors, I began looking through the Sent folder, wondering at the nature of Chunky's lover and whether he reciprocated her libido-fueled methods. After poking through some of the sent emails, I noticed that the anonymous email user had also sent their own little erotic snippets, which somehow managed to accomplish the miraculous feat of being more difficult to read than Chunky's. I saw that they had also sent pictures of their self, which allowed me to finally attach a face to the individual whose privacy I was shamelessly violating (to be fair, I was 14 at the time and he was the one who left his email up. This was inevitable, really). The man was in his early twenties, with a pockmarked leathery face and a straggly dirty-blond goatee. For some reason, he had sent her dozens and dozens of pictures of him just...sitting in the library.
Staring at the computer.
In the exact same chair that I was in.
Suitably creeped out, I promptly logged out of his email and did my best to repress yet another memory. This effort was doomed to failure, because about a month or so later, I saw Chunky and her facial-haired beau crossing the street. I wish I could convey how unsettling it was seeing these people in person. Since I can't, I'll let the internet do it for me.
If you're planning on logging into your fat-boob-filled email account in a public place, for the love of God sign out before you leave, otherwise you get dickheads like me who lurk through your stuff and then wish that they hadn't. And as a general rule of thumb, don't take naked pictures of yourself. Especially if you're chunky.
Especially if you're Chunky.
